I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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