I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
