the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
