He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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