$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
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You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
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Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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