Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
