awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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