Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
