Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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