omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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