I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
