I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
