this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
