I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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