she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
