shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
