i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
