I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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