If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
