Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
