watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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