Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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