Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
