I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
