dude i'm inner monologue high
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
