Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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