Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
