I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
