I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
