Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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