Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
