I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
