I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
