It's like God shit irony all over that family
what day is it and did you see me today?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
