9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
ttyl tear gas
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
