I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
