i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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