Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Houston, we have a blender
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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