I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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