Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
