i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
