I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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