there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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