im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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