From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You pole danced in your parka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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