I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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