If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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