Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just threw up on my dentist
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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