I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
