Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
