Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
