Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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