Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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