So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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