dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
