overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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