Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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